Understanding Love – with yourself and others
“I want to be in love. I don’t want to be lonely. I want to be in a relationship. I want to be married, engaged, living together”.
Statements I have heard countless times from friends, family and group members. To be in a healthy loving relationship we must first love ourselves. Sometimes we fail to understand that it is the relationship we have with ourselves that is the one we need to nurture, the one that is important.
I do not profess to be a relationship guru. This is simply my point of view in what I see and feel. God blessed me with sight and intuition, and a brain to think and reason with. I do try to use it once in a while.
Being in love is an amazing feeling, and one that I am not sure comes along all that often. We say we love other people, and I am sure we think we do, but if that is the case, why is the divorce rate so high? Are we not in love anymore? Were we never in love? Were we looking for things in our partner that was unrealistic? Something that person could not give us?
In a partner we all want different things. Some want a fairy tale, some want security, some want companionship, and some want to be the end all and be all for that special person. Most of us are trying to fill in the gaps with what is or was missing in our lives. Is it possible to find that one person that checks all the boxes? I don’t know.
What we look for in a partner is important. There is a saying that men marry their mothers and women marry their fathers. I am not sure if that is true, but maybe it is true because it is what is familiar to us; it is what we are used to. I loved my father, but he was driven by what others thought of him, he was emotionally unavailable, and controlling. He thought that appearances were everything. At all costs, my father would never show that he, or his family was less than perfect to the outside world. That sounds horrible to say and I even cringe when I write it, but it is the truth. He was not a protective father; he was not abusive but he allowed abuses to go on; he was not a nurturing parent and never once in my life told me he loved me. I know he did, I could feel it from him, but he had his own issues and could not express his emotions or fears.
I could never imagine choosing a partner with those characteristics, but it is in fact, what I chose in a partner without even knowing it. And without knowing it, for almost 30 years, I was extremely unhappy. Through therapy and self-help group meetings, I have improved my relationship with myself. I have been able to let go of those old thoughts that clouded my decisions. I was able to understand what was missing and accept who I am inside. I was abkle to accept that I struggled my whole life with the idea that I had no value as a person and I was not worth caring about; not worth loving. I was able to learn how to love myself. In doing that, I was able to understand what I wanted in a significant other.
Most of us want a best friend I can share time with. Someone that we can laugh with and say anything to; a person that respects that we can be intelligent and independent; and we can be interdependent and dumb on some days. Someone who is okay with the fact that we are not perfect. Like everyone I also want to be loved and respected, but I do not need a marriage or even a live-together situation to validate my feelings. For me it is honesty and showing kindness to each other and being present in each other’s life. It is two people becoming their best selves separately and together. For me, love does not need legal documents.
That being said, marriage is an amazing thing when it is a true partnership. I think sometimes we have a picture of what we think a marriage should be, and what is considered normal. I feel like sometimes things get clouded and it is not really what we are trying to achieve in our relational growth; rather it is what we think is expected. We sometimes forget we can make our relationships whatever we want them to be, married or not. We forget we can construct a life together that fits what each person needs and wants.
If it is an open marriage you desire, then look for a partner who wants the same thing. If you want dual careers, find someone who is like minded. If you want children, it is imperative you find that person that wants to build a family as well. I am not knocking what we may think of as a traditional marriage. There are so many examples of the change of the stereotype that there really is no such thing anymore as a traditional marriage.
I had a friend from my youth that wanted very badly to have children. The man she fell in love with did not. She never did have children and passed away from cancer in her 50s. Her last conversation with me was about regret and unhappiness at not pursuing what was important to her. She regretted sacrificing what she wanted most of all for someone else. She regretted not living her life the way she wanted to; she regretted living someone else’s life. I had another friend who married a doctor. She gave up her career in restaurant management because of the demands on her time tending to her husband’s needs and his professional and social schedule. They divorced after 24 years of marriage and she told me she regretted giving up her career and independence just because that was what was expected of a doctor’s wife.
So…Why do we do that? Why do convince ourselves that we can make things work when we know we are giving up something that is important to us? Why do we label and wrap our relationships in a box? And a box that other people or society picks out for us? No relationship is that simple and no relationship fits in a box. We have different needs and wants, emotionally, physically and even socially, financially and professionally. What we often forget is that we can design your relationship together with your partner.
I know another couple that are both professors. They teach at separate universities in different states. They have been married for over 30 years and are very happy with their marriage. They see each other as often as they can, every other weekend they take turns visiting each other. They have grown children and grandchildren and they seem to work things out to accommodate their careers, which are very important to each of them. I had dinner with my friend not long ago and they are planning to retire soon and move back together. Their lifestyle may not work for everyone, but it works for them.
It reminds us, as we think about each of these different situations, we make the choices for ourselves. And those choices come with a consequence. Sometimes consequences are good, sometimes they are difficult to live with. But…ultimately the choice in our relationships is ours and our partner’s to make. We can choose to live together or not; get married or not; have one partner work or both partners work; have children or not; live in the city or live in the country and a multitude of other decisions.
It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks you should do, or how anyone thinks you should handle your relationship, it is absolutely and only between you and your partner. Your communication and willingness to be honest with each other and work together is vital to respecting your relationship and each other. It creates and maintains a respectful and loving relationship. It is how to build a life where dreams and goals are fulfilled.
Butch