Communication

It occurred to me that how we communicate our feelings with someone can end up with us misunderstanding the other person involved.  I was wondering why this happens.  Certainly we speak our thoughts and feelings and the other person does the same.  And at times neither person understands what the other person is trying to say. 

I realized that it can happen because maybe we tend to read more into what is being said or done, or that we insert our own emotions into what someone is saying or doing. The result can end up that the message we hear and feel is not the message that is being given.  We can unintentionally put our own emotional spin on what is being said and it can distort the truth of the situation. 

I had a situation like that some time ago with someone and it hit me very hard emotionally.  The incident that happened was one of those emotional incidents that puts all your feelings in question. One of those situations that has you questioning everything that can run the gamut of assuming the other person is indifferent or does not care, all the way to having feelings of emotional betrayal.  I am certain we have all been through conversations where our feelings are hurt by what someone says or does, to events that give the appearance of untruths, and even times where someone’s actions appear to disregard and disrespect our feelings.  This often leaves us wondering what someone really feels for us.

I am not referring to situations or involvement with compulsive liars, narcissists or abusers.  I am referring to situations with people that genuinely care for us and we care for them, moments where we communicate from an emotional base; those times when our feelings can get in the way of the truth.

So after three days of inconsolable crying, questioning everything and trying to sort out my feelings, it became apparent to me that we do not speak the same language when it comes to difficult emotional situations. I kept replaying everything that was said looking for something to understand.  Kind of like trying to find a lifeline to hold onto when you feel like you are sinking. 

However, after multiple conversations attempting to resolve our differences, I was still feeling no hope of straightening things out, and I was about to walk away because I felt we were not communicating and our conversations kept going in circles, leading back to the same place. I kept questioning how two people that care about each other could communicate so badly.  The positive in all the sadness was that we kept continuing to have conversations, because our connection and relationship was important to each of us.

In one of our conversations he reminded me of something I understood but was not considering.  He reminded me that he looks at the world differently than I do.  He sees people and the world from different experiences.  Our backgrounds are different, and our different lives give each of us a different perspective.  Not necessarily the Mars and Venus differences although gender differences can come into play as well, but also whether we are communicating from the physical, emotional or spiritual perspective. Those are ways people look at the world very differently from one another and they dictate to our hearts what to accept or not, and what to attach to each of those experiences.

As our final conversation went along, we both understood we were not going to resolve our differences immediately, and suddenly told me that the conversation we were having was a conversation he dreamed of a long time ago.  Dreams to me sometimes are a doorway to the past and future. I acknowledged this and as the conversation continued and I heard his words, they seemed familiar to me from a dream as well, that I had heard them before.  Like all things in the universe, through time and space, for me there is a reason for everything.  This conversation and this situation was exactly what it was supposed to be and we were exactly where we were supposed to be in trying to resolve it.  And the reason for it, among other things was that there was a lesson for me in it, and likely for him as well. 

Even though the reason for the discussion was not really resolved, and I worry like all things that are not resolved, it will creep up in future conversations, we both agreed to let the conversation go and let things settle. 

So I came away from the conversation with a clearer understanding of why people misunderstand each other.  To remind myself that this is how people mistrust each other, how hurt feelings happen and even how hate starts. It dawned on me that if we just remember in the heat of the moment; in those times when you feel that your feelings don’t matter; that when you are so desperate to feel like you matter, to have what you say matter and what you feel matter, to remember that the other person is trying to do the same thing.

We can all recognize there are times when we will not agree or see things the same, and acknowledge that it is okay to feel differently from someone else.  In all things and all conversations, whether relationally, politically or otherwise, our point of view is correct for us, just as other peoples are correct for them.  This does not mean we cannot change those perceptions, or grasp the concept that we are different. 

We can use those occurrences as lessons and learn and admit that it is okay to be different. Our differences are what makes life interesting and our diversity helps us grow and learn new perspectives.  We might not agree with what another person says or does, but it is an opportunity for us to look at the world through different eyes.  We can accept in those circumstances that others are looking at it from their own viewpoint.  A viewpoint which is right for them, just as our viewpoint is right for us.  It does not mean we have to live our lives the way others do, and we certainly don’t have to see things from their side and vice versa. It is all about acceptance and understanding. And more importantly listening to someone else, because everyone has a voice. I am going to practice listening when someone speaks rather than waiting to respond.  I am certain I will learn valuable information.

A significant lesson we can apply in every part of our life.