Loneliness

 

I was feeling particularly lonely the other day and missing Sundance.  We live a good distance from each other so I treasure all our visits together when we can be in the same physical place.  It is always an adjustment when we travel back to our respective homes and lives.  Even though we communicate daily, sometimes the lack of our physical presence together causes me to feel a little lonely. 

In the current climate, I was reflecting on how loneliness feels, and was contemplating the COVID-19 quarantine.  This isolation we are experiencing has strong potential to make us not only more isolated and alone, but more distrustful, fearful, stressful, anxious and angry. The evidence of this phenomena is visible in the grocery store with the panic buying of products that we feel are necessities to keep us safe. The mentality of that seems to be ‘Screw what others need, I am going to buy everything before someone else does’. In these emergencies we seem to have lost the sense of community and are intentionally isolating ourselves from each other.   In addition it appears to be causing us to label each other. Sundance explains it best.  He stated we have now put a stigma on people that are affected by this virus.  We would normally say someone caught Covid19, but now we say they are infected, and should be isolated so as not to infect someone else.  The actions are not inappropriate, but the label and the words are.  You are now “infected”, instead of “you are sick”.  Like there is something wrong with you because you were exposed to this virus. I believe the media has some responsibility here.  Regardless, it is causing us to separate from one another in a very negative way. 

Of course, loneliness is described as ‘perceived social isolation’ with the emphasis on the word “perceived”.  Some people do very well in isolated situations and are perfectly at ease and some feel like they are being imprisoned. 

I am a pretty social person, so I am the latter.  However much I enjoy my alone time, which I do very much, I still require contact.  So, loneliness for me is the lack of physical social interaction or contact with other people I care about.  It is the gap between the important relationships I have and the amount of physical time I get to spend with those people.

But that is me.  Everyone is different and everyone looks at their need for relationships differently.  Example, if a teenager says she only has three close friends, she may feel alone, but if an elderly person says they have only three close friends, they may feel very blessed. It is all about our perception of normal for us and the amount of contact we each need.

Loneliness certainly affects us physically and emotionally.  It has been suggested that loneliness can move us through all the 7 stages of grief.  So how do we combat all these feelings of loneliness?  Definitely loneliness affects us all at one time or another. And those effects and feelings can be devastating at times.

I am not a doctor or psychologist, but one thing we can do is accept our loneliness.  No matter how uncomfortable.  Sit with it, think about it.  This lets us look at how we feel, what our thoughts are in those moments and even the physical tension on our bodies.  It lets us look inside to see what we want to changes or any actions we may want to take to help us feel less stressed. 

For me, naturally I stay connected by phone or text or email.  And I try to stay busy with projects or puzzles, or go for a walk or spend time in nature if I can.  It always puts me at peace even if it is only for a short period of time.  I also try to pay it forward where I can.  My connection with the outside world is important to me, so a random act of kindness or a nice word to someone, like a complement or a hello, can not only make someone else’s day better, it makes mine better as well.  Even something as simple as letting someone on the freeway in front of me, or allowing a car to pull out of a parking lot ahead of me always makes me smile and feel connected with the world, especially when the other person waves back in acknowledgement.    

  

Butch